Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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