how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
