My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
