I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
