i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
