Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
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We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
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I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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