Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize