I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
