3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
