he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
