Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
