Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
