It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
