I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
