it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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