i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
BRING THE BAGELS
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
