I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
Send help, water and tortillas.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I got inside last night via doggy door
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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