You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
