this beer tastes like vomit already
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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