when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
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