watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
