i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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