I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
