i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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