It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
