You really coming over, don't trick.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
