So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
