Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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