i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
