I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
