the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Randomize
