I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
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He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
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For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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