Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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