I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
