Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
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you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
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I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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