I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
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I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
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She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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