No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I'm at about main and main street
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize