i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
