My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
