Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
