he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
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