And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
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