you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
