Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
