I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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