I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
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