Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
