whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
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