I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
