my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
