Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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