So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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