So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
